Friday, February 10, 2012

Why, Yes, Yes I Am Pregnant

I am 33 weeks pregnant today; and it is pretty obvious.
I turn into a total ditz when I am pregnant, as in the punch-line-of-a-blonde-joke ditzy.  As in I say something and my husband just looks at me and shakes his head.
I also can't remember anything.  Names of people I've known for years just fly out of my head.
I sit in the back of the sanctuary because I will need to use the bathroom mid-service.
People give me strange looks when I push on the moving lump on my stomach.  Hey, when you see a lump in the pizza dough or a bubble floating through the air, you want to poke it, right?  Same thing.
I am thankful that maternity pants have a panel that covers my stomach, because my maternity tops protest at covering my stomach completely.
When I drop something on the floor, I have a few choices:
  • wait for a little person to pick it up.
  • find a replacement.
  • decide I can do without it.
  • as a last resort, pick up dropped item in a very unladylike manner while making horrible grunting noises.
Hilarious, and sometime socially awkward things, happen to you when you are pregnant:
  • you stand on tiptoe to put something in the cupboard and upon completion of your task your stomach gets stuck on the counter.
  • you pull out a glass for some water, and then put it in the dishwasher before you use it.
  • you shut the pantry door on your protruding stomach, then your kids look at you like you are crazy while you laugh hysterically.
  • you stop walking when you have to sneeze or cough and hold your stomach while clenching your lower extremities; it looks really strange.
  • you say "excuse me" to pass someone and then misjudge the distance between their back and your stomach, and then have to apologize all over yourself while red in the face.
And then there are the pregnancy neuroses:
  • you don't want to go to bed because you are afraid you won't be able to fall asleep due to restless leg syndrome, thinking too much, can't find the right position, etc.
  • you wake up in the middle of the night on your back and, gasp! Have I killed the baby??
  • for some reason, people's opinions really matter and can really make you upset; and even though your mind is telling you there is no reason to be upset, you cry anyway.
  • you think about all the things you need to buy to make it "even" for your third child: the first two have matching water bottles and matching beach chairs.  Will I be able to find a third one that matches as well?  Maybe I should go out and buy one tomorrow, just for the future, even though my baby won't be able to use it for at least two years.
  • you wonder about the non-microwaved lunch meat you just consumed because you were hungry, but didn't remember that you're supposed to cook the meat first to avoid some sort of bug invading your system and possibly sending you into pre-term labor or some flu-like illness.
  • you ramble on and can't seem to stop yourself even though you know you should have put a few commas or periods in that last sentence and you wonder what in the world people think about your lack of writing skills.
I love being pregnant.  I'll almost be sorry for this pregnancy to end!  I will look forward to sleeping on my back again, though.
Oh, and being able to breathe freely...that will be nice too.