Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I Need A Refill

I hated myself yesterday.  I hated the way I spoke to my kids.  I hated the way they reacted to my tone of voice.  It was not a good day for me. 
I could make many excuses:  I just had a baby.  I am recovering from a major surgery.  My hormones are contributing to my emotional state.  I have not been getting enough sleep.  I am stressed out by everything that needs to be done before we move.  But all of those, while true, do NOT excuse my behavior.
My kids deserve a mom who is loving and gentle at all times.  They do not need a mom who gets annoyed easily at every little thing.  Especially right now.  They are picking up on the underlying anxiety of my husband and me.  My eldest is realizing that we are moving and has his own anxiety about that, even though he doesn't fully comprehend what is happening.
A friend of mine asked today, what does your happy place look like?  My happy place is my home, and it is what I make of it.  I am the one who sets the tone of my home.  If I am happy, my home will be happy.  If I am upset, anxious, annoyed, frustrated, etc, my kids will reflect that and my house will not be in a happy place.
So then, how do I become happy?  It is more than just putting on a smile and faking it (though that is a good start, you often end up feeling what you are purposely portraying).  I need to get my inner joy refilled on a daily basis by spending time with the Lord in reading the Bible and praying.  I haven't been doing that lately and my kids are suffering for it.  It is time for me to get back into the habit of daily refilling my joy and spending time with God.