Monday, October 8, 2012

In Mourning

It's been a while since I've blogged because, well, I've been having a very hard time emotionally.  I have never really mourned for a person; I've missed people who have died, but while I would miss them, I knew they were in heaven because they have all been Christians.  Well, now I feel as if I am in mourning, not for a person, but for a place.  I have said good-bye to Oregon, and it is very likely that I will never live there again.  I probably won't even visit Oregon again (or at least that is how I feel). 
I am not yearning to go back to Oregon.  But I do miss it.  I miss the place, as well as the people.  Oregon really felt like home to me, like no place ever has before.  I felt as if I belonged there.  I could easily see living the rest of my life there.  So, I feel as if I am mourning the death of a dear friend, because I really miss everything about living in Oregon.
You are probably thinking, waa waa waa, get over it already.  You may be right.  But here's the thing: I am not yearning to go back.  I'm not pining for the place or the people.  I miss them.  To me, it is as if my life in Oregon has died, and I will never get it back.  I am not longing for my life in Oregon back, because that will never happen (even if, by some miracle, we move back, things will have changed).  I just miss it.  Plain and simple.  And it has been very hard on me.
I am having a hard time trying to make our new area feel like home.  The church we have decided on does not yet feel like a home church to me.  Always before, when I was looking for a new church, I found one that felt like "home."  This time I haven't had that "home" feeling.  I am determined to invest myself in the church, though, and give it a real chance.
I have had a hard time making connections with other women because 1) we moved unexpectedly after I had already started putting roots down and making connections and 2) the second move was at the beginning of summer when there were no activities going on and it was too hot to go outside to meet our neighbors or other moms at the playground.
All of this, on top of the stresses and sleep deprivation of having a new baby along with a 3- and a 5-year-old have made me an emotional wreck.  I am not proud of that, and it is embarrassing to admit.  But that is why I haven't blogged in a while.
So, now I'm back.  See you in a few days with my next post.