Feeling Alone?

Recently a friend wrote to me after reading my post about not fitting in. I have her permission to share our correspondence with you. I am pretty sure you'll be able to relate to her in some way. Hopefully you will be encouraged by our correspondence. 

Dear Vinae,

Why is it so hard to fit in with other Christians? Why is it so hard to make relationships? I feel like making friends is almost impossible in your 30’s. I’m tired, they're tired, everyone is busy and tired. I’m not too tired to spend one hour scrolling mindlessly through Facebook, looking at everyone’s Photoshop pictures, but I’m too tired to invite a neighbor over for cheap hot dogs and fellowship. 

I join groups and meet new people, we add each other on Facebook, but that is the extent of the relationship. We meet, we have a lot in common, and then we get busy with life and it’s the end. Well, we are still looking at each other’s Facebook page, commenting on photos or snap chatting, but really we are not engaged. 

I just wrote off a longtime friend of over 10 years. She lives a few hours away from me. I have traveled hours to her house to support her in fundraisers, graduations, and many other occasions. It was inconvenient, but I do these things for her all the time. Last week she told me multiple times that she was coming to my child's birthday party. We made it through the party and I realized she didn’t even show up. I was angry. I think the real issue was that quite a few people cancelled, many the day of, and several didn’t even tell me they weren't going to make it, and she was one of those along with some family members. 

How do we recover from hurt feelings when we have made an effort in someone’s life and it is not reciprocated? How do we keep from shutting down and becoming isolated? I know God is the answer, but isn’t there anyone out there that we can rely on? It’s an imperfect world yes, but should it really be this bad? I have family and a “best friend” who told me they would be at my kid’s special celebration and they can’t even tell me they are not going to make it. I would tell a stranger I wasn’t coming if I had made a prior commitment, let alone someone in my family or best friend. Has responsibility just been thrown out the window? 

How do we keep these doubts and let downs from seeping in and separating us from God? (I guess I’m still equating God’s love to affection and love from others.) But, isn’t it reasonable to expect these things if we are following God and trying to live Godly lives? Should we live isolated lives or are we meant for fellowship? This is question I struggle with. Wouldn’t it be nice to just have Christian friends in our age group that will just get together and pledge to love one another no matter what? Do life together, call, not text, but call just to say, Hey how is your day going? Friends that care about kid’s birthdays and life events? 

Hi Friend,

You know, you are not at all alone in what you are saying. I’ve had the same thoughts – why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? Why are relationships fed only through social media until they all they consist of is how many “likes” you give the other person? When did it become so easy to feel isolated in a world that is full of texts and chats and messages?

You hit on a key point – it’s easier to spend hours mindlessly scrolling online than it is to be intentional about meeting with a  friend for an hour. It’s all about where we are investing our lives. Are you purposing to do things that fill you and revive you, or just self-medicating by vegging and coming away from it just as empty as you went in? This is a question I have to ask myself many times every day. Is what I am doing going to renew me?  If not, I should probably stop.

Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram are fun ways of keeping in contact with someone, but unless thought and intention is put into the connections, they become just another virtual friend. What we’ve lost in our world is REAL communication – face to face interaction that breathes life into the other person.

It is so easy to write off people when they constantly hurt you. I have a few friends who I have reached out to over the years but never get anything back from them, so, while I haven’t exactly written them off, I HAVE backed off. I only send a message every once in a while, and don’t wait with baited breath until they respond. While it hurts that they don’t respond, I’ve learned that I can’t depend on their response to make me feel good. I had a good friend send me a scathing message about how I never reach out to her, even though I have usually been the one who tries to keep in contact. The words hurt. But I also know that Satan can use the hurts that I have to make me bitter and wallow in them. My identity is not in how my friend thinks of me or my relationship with her. My identity is tied to my relationship with God. When I am trying to be a friend with God, making him a priority in my life, the brush offs from others don’t hurt quite as much. Oh, to be sure, it still hurts, just not quite as much as it did when I made them the source of my feeling good about myself.

I know you were hurt by your friend, but you even admitted that she wasn’t the only problem. She was kind of the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s hard not to become cynical when people hurt you, and even more when it comes to your kids. I know. I have felt that my kids have been completely ignored by some of their relatives. It breaks my heart for my kids that they are missing out on that family connection. Actually, that is a wrong statement. My kids are not hurt by not getting a card from their cousins, I am hurt by that. My kids don’t know any different. But because I make a concerted effort to remember relatives' birthdays, I am hurt when the effort is not reciprocated. I am the one who feels forgotten and neglected.

As you know, we have moved around a bit in the last few years. When we moved to Portland, it took a really long time for me to make friends, and just as I felt I was making true friendships, we moved to California. I was extremely depressed because I knew how much investment it takes to make deep friendships, so I prayed. God brought into my life two ladies who I keep in close contact with, yes, through Facebook, but also through notes in the mail and messaging. Whenever I get a chance to see them, I make the effort to. 

So when we moved here, I really prayed, and asked my friends to pray, for God to bring into my life women who I could make a real connection with. It’s been three years, but I feel those connections are finally being made. It takes time, it takes effort. And if someone isn’t willing to invest the effort back, I have to give that up and look elsewhere. It really is up to ME to be willing to be vulnerable enough to let someone into my life to develop that deep, meaningful relationship that I long for in another woman. It's scary to open up and be vulnerable enough to risk being rejected. And it’s hard and time consuming and takes a lot of emotional energy; I want to protect myself and so having shallow conversations is easier. But it is worth it…IF I invest. And it really is an investment. 

The same goes with God. I didn’t realize until recently that I haven’t really made any kind of time it requires to make that relationship happen. It requires sacrifice – a sacrifice of time, a sacrifice of sleep, a sacrifice of me wanting to just veg, a sacrifice of my pride and a sacrifice of my desire to fill the longings of my flesh.

You asked how do we keep the doubts and let downs from separating us from God? I think a more accurate question is: How do we disassociate those doubts and let downs from God’s character?  The answer is by making God your friend. Spending un-hurried time with him, reading the Bible, and praying. I know. It sounds so cliché. I’ve heard that all my life - yet I never took it to heart and actually did those things until recently. Do I spend quality time with God every day? No, but I do try to make an effort. I’ve asked him to give me promptings to seek him. When I am in my bathroom, I often feel a tug to go into my closet and pray. It is often only for a few minutes, and often I am not actually praying, but just silent before Him. I’ve started trying to recite Psalms of praise in my prayers, but often I just end up repeating the same thing over and over.

If we are following God and trying our best to live a Godly life, isn’t it reasonable we should expect kindness and courtesy from others? I paraphrased your question, but I’m not sure that the answer is yes. Humans are sinful. They are always going to let you down. Always. I’ve come to the conclusion that while I am here on earth, I will always have a longing in my heart for something more. And I think that God put that longing in us so that we would long to be with him, to get to know him more. As I have been spending more quality time with God, spending more time in the Word and praying, a little bit of that longing has been filled. Not all... I don’t expect that it will ever be gone until I reach heaven. But that is where my hope comes from. I know that I am never going to belong or fit in while I am alive. There will always be that longing for more, and the tension that comes with that is a good tension. It reminds me daily to be in connection with the only one who will eventually be able to fill that longing.