Patience & Frustration

Being a parent requires patience. I always knew this, but it hasn't really manifested itself until lately. There isn't much reason to lose your patience with an infant - they don't purposely take their time with anything.

However, a two year old is much different. My son takes his time doing things. I ask him to put away his cars, and he does, but he has to do it in a very precise way. The cars have to drive over to the toy box, or they have to park in the garage.

There is no reason for me to rush him, I just want him to clean up so he can take his nap. But I still want him to do it as quickly as I would. So, as I was feeling frustration with him the other day, I realized that I had NO REASON to be frustrated with him. He was obeying, but he was doing it in his own way. He wasn't procrastinating either. The toys just had to go into certain places in the toy box, and sometimes the toy fell out, or went somewhere he didn't want it to go, so he had to move it . . . again.

As frustrating as it was to watch him, I refrained from doing his job for him. I also prayed and repented of my sin right away. I had no reason to be impatient or upset with my son. He is two, and he was behaving like a two year old.

I just heaved a big sigh and waited while he finished cleaning up his toys. I need to remember that this time will go by quickly, and to cherish the moments I have with him. I need to remember to be patient with him, as my Heavenly Father is patient with me.

Mommy Time

Yesterday I wasn't feeling well. I did manage to do the dishes and a load of laundry, but only because I knew that if I didn't do them, my husband would have to. And being that he works on Saturday, I didn't think it would be nice for him to come home and have to do chores.

However, my little boy was feeling great. He wanted to play. With me. I wanted to sit and read. But I am reminded of how fast he grows up, and what I am called to do as a mom. I knew that he was bored. I knew that he wanted me to get down on the floor and pay attention to him. But I wasn't feeling well, and it seemed that I just couldn't put my book down, so I'd tell him to go play with his cars, again.

So, after he had climbed on my lap for the 3rd time, I finally put down my book and I played with him. We drove cars around the blocks scattered on the floor. We built bridges to crumble. We giggled. We threw the balls. We danced to the music. And we had a great time.

After a while, he was involved in playing with the toys by himself, so I went back to reading. This time it was okay, because he had his Mommy Time, and now wanted to play by himself. Every once in a while, if I will just stop what I am doing (because it really isn't that important in the long run), and give my son the attention he wants, he will be happy, he will know he is loved and be fulfilled.

It is sort of that way with God, too. If I stop and spend time with Him, EVERY DAY, I am the one who will be fulfilled and not be longing for something more.

Falling Apart

Three weeks ago from right now, I was overwhelmed, in pain, scared, and alone.

I was overwhelmed with all of the emotions that come with being told that my baby is going to be born two months early. I wasn't ready for her. I was a thousand miles away from home. It was barely two hours since my water had broken. Everything was happening so fast that I couldn't think clearly.

I was scared because none of the precautions we had taken with our son's birth were in place. The doctors didn't know my history. We didn't have a general surgeon ready to take care of any internal problems I may have had from previous surgeries. The anesthesiologist didn't have x-rays of my back: scoliosis twisted my spine in the exact place that the spinal tap needed to go.

I was scared because it was too early for me to have a baby. I was afraid her lungs wouldn't be mature enough to breathe. Since my water had broken, I wasn't given any steroids to boost her lung development. That scared me.

I was in pain with every contraction that was coming on stronger every two or three minutes. How long would it take for the spinal tap to be put in? I didn't know, but it couldn't come soon enough. It was very difficult to bend the way the anesthesiologist wanted when I was in the midst of a contraction.

I was alone because my husband was not allowed in the surgery room yet. I didn't know any of the doctors or nurses in the room. No one had introduced themselves to me, and no one was talking to me except to give me instructions.

All I had was a Lifehouse song running through my head. "I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing . . . but I'm holding on . . . I'm barely holding on to You . . . I'm hanging on to the words You say, You said that I would be okay."

The nurse kept telling me to breathe, and since that was all I could do, I did, as I choked down my sobs. Finally, when the spinal tap was done and my arms were strapped down, my husband came into the room. I lost it at that point. I couldn't hold on any longer, and neither could he.

We were both praying, aloud and silently. I couldn't really see James because of the tears streaming from my eyes, but I could feel him holding my hand and his presence near my head. And, although I knew that God was present, I had a hard time realizing it. Which is why the song kept going through my head, "I'm holding on, I'm barely breathing . . . You said that I would be okay."

Sometimes in the moment, it is hard to believe that everything is in God's hands. I was so relieved when I heard the baby crying, weak as it was. Her lungs seemed to be fine. It was a sign to me that we all would be okay, just as God said.

I still don't know why she was born early, and in California. Maybe I'll never know. I am thankful that she is fine. I am thankful that we weren't in a place where we didn't know anyone. I am thankful for my family who has chipped in so much in helping with my son. I am thankful for my friends who have helped so much with our household in Oregon. I am thankful for friends, some of whom I've never met, who have helped out by letting us borrow baby items while we are in California. I am especially thankful for all the prayers; I've needed and felt them. Thank you.

Now, my daughter is being held in her grandpa's arms in my parents' living room. My son is VERY excited to have his little sister around and he can barely wait to hold her. I am blessed; very blessed indeed.