Marriage Wrecker

I sat uncomfortably at the table with the two other moms I had just met. They were talking about their husbands. One was flippantly saying how she is always threatening to leave her husband. The other wondered why her husband always "smelled like butt" at the end of the day.

I had no idea what to say. They were silently asking for me to laugh at what they were saying, but I couldn't. I mean, what they were saying was making me squirm in the tiny toddler chair I was perching on. I didn't know these women, nor their husbands, and I didn't need to know these very personal flaws within 30 minutes of meeting them. I felt like I was seeing into a private life that should be kept private.

Ladies, when you flippantly complain about your husband, you are doing a disservice to yourself, to your husband, and to your marriage. I understand that you are trying to be funny, trying to connect with other women, trying to find common ground that is seemingly inconsequential, because, after all, every husband has his little faults.

But I am telling you to stop. Marriages are under attack, and Satan does not need your help in undermining your own marriage. I understand that there are irritations in marriage that you feel like you just need to get out. I have those too. But you do not need to get them out like verbal vomit to every person you meet.

Ladies, what we need to do is to encourage each other in our marriages. Yes, there are irritations. Yes, there are problems. Are you contributing to those problems by bandying them about like jokes? Problems in marriage are not a joke, they are serious, and I, for one, want to help my marriage, not hinder it, by building up my husband in front of other women, not tearing him down.

Here are some of my thoughts on how to build up your marriage. If you have more, please add them in the comments!

• Most important: spend time in the Bible every day. I know it can be difficult, but you can MAKE time.
• Pray for your husband.
• Pray with your husband.
• Determine only to speak good of him around acquaintances.
• Determine to speak any negative about your husband to one trusted female friend who can give you Godly counsel and will encourage you in building up your marriage.

Marriage is hard enough. Support your friends' marriages. Support your own marriage. Let's decide to build up the foundation of our homes by building up our husbands.

Note: if you are having serious problems in your marriage, please find Godly counsel. Do not stay in a situation that is harmful, but seek help. Seek God. God is the only one who can change hearts.

The Husband Rant

How do you talk about your husband?  Do you vent about him to your friends?  Or do you make your friends jealous by bragging about what a wonderful husband you have?  Does your husband have complete confidence in you?  When you and your husband have an argument in the morning, does he think that your best friend knows of it by noon?

 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29 (NASB)

Every time I talk with a specific friend, she complains about her husband in some way.  This makes me very uncomfortable and I try to change the subject as soon as I possibly can.  By her telling me her husband's flaws, my estimation of him gets knocked down a peg each time, whether I want it to or not (by the way, my estimation of her also gets knocked down a peg).  "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers." (KJV)  The word for corrupt in Greek means rotten, or worthless.  It is rotten and worthless to say negative things about your husband. There is no point, other than making you feel better because you can vent.  Unless you are venting to God or to your husband, you are venting to the wrong person.

When you speak ill of your husband, it is as if you are airing your dirty laundry for all the world to see.  You are uncovering your husband, exposing his flaws, when you should be preserving his dignity.  "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (NIV)  Telling of your husband's flaws does not build him up; it tears him down.

I want my friends to think I have a wonderful husband (which I do, by the way).  Whenever I talk about him, I want my words to be encouraging, to be a blessing, to be gracious.  "Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." (NLT)

All marriages have rough patches.  Every wife gets irritated with her husband.  However, this does not give you leave to be disrespectful of him.  If you have a problem with your husband, go to him!  Pray that God will 1) help you see if you are in the wrong and 2) give you respectful words to figure out how to solve the problem.  If you need advice on how to handle a situation, go talk to a mentor woman who has your complete confidence; but I warn you, make sure your heart is in the right spot, because if it isn't, you may not like what she has to say about your attitude and heart condition.

"Let no filthy talk be heard from your mouths, but only what is good for building up people and meeting the need of the moment. This way you will administer grace to those who hear you." (ISV)

I challenge you (and myself): the next time you want to vent to your friend about your husband, instead, say something that builds him up and makes him look good in her eyes.  He may never know that you said he is a wonderful husband, but she will.  And so will you.