Monday, November 30, 2009

Reflections

It's raining today. That is not unusual. I like this kind of rain. You barely notice it. In fact, I didn't even know it was raining until I saw drops hit my kitchen window. I can't see the rain fall unless I'm looking at an angle. There are no puddles on our slab, and it's not dripping from our malfunctioning drain. So, while it has been raining for quite a while now, I'm sure that we haven't received much.

It's not even very dark outside. The clouds are letting enough light in that I don't need to turn on the lights inside - just open the blinds.

It's kind of a ho-hum day outside. It is reflecting what I feel like inside today. I woke up with a bad headache, which has since gone away, but I think the headache started my nausea (or it could have been helping my son brush his teeth with toothpaste for the first time . . . eww).

The weather doesn't usually affect my mood. I think today my mood just happens to reflect the weather.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Patience & Frustration

Being a parent requires patience. I always knew this, but it hasn't really manifested itself until lately. There isn't much reason to lose your patience with an infant - they don't purposely take their time with anything.

However, a two year old is much different. My son takes his time doing things. I ask him to put away his cars, and he does, but he has to do it in a very precise way. The cars have to drive over to the toy box, or they have to park in the garage.

There is no reason for me to rush him, I just want him to clean up so he can take his nap. But I still want him to do it as quickly as I would. So, as I was feeling frustration with him the other day, I realized that I had NO REASON to be frustrated with him. He was obeying, but he was doing it in his own way. He wasn't procrastinating either. The toys just had to go into certain places in the toybox, and sometimes the toy fell out, or went somewhere he didn't want it to go, so he had to move it . . . again.

As frustrating as it was to watch him, I refrained from doing his job for him. I also prayed and repented of my sin right away. I had no reason to be impatient or upset with my son. He is two, and he was behaving like a two year old.

I just heaved a big sigh and waited while he finished cleaning up his toys. I need to remember that this time will go by quickly, and to cherish the moments I have with him. I need to remember to be patient with him, as my Heavenly Father is patient with me.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Pill Popping Problem

I've always had a problem taking my pills. I remember my mom trying to put my vitamins in applesauce. I was too smart for that trick. I also remember her pinning me against the refrigerator, sitting on me, and practically shoving the pills down my throat. I have a...

When I was 15, I was away at camp and got sick. The camp nurse gave me some antibiotics that were the size of my thumb. Needless to say, I didn't take them. Camp ended and I was to spend the week at a friends house. Her mom probably wasn't too happy that she had a sick child on her hands; one that wasn't hers. Most likely, taking those horse pills would have decreased the amount of time I was sick by half. Which means, I would have enjoyed the time I spent at my friend's house.

Today, I have to take medication daily. I am also taking pre-natal vitamins because I am nursing. I should also take a B-complex every day - I feel so much better when I do. And since I'm over 30, I should be taking calcium daily as well.

So that is a total of four varieties of pills, amounting to nine individual pills a day. Doesn't seem like it would be that difficult, right? The only pills I manage to diligently take are the three little pills my doctor prescribes for my Crohn's disease. I usually take my pre-natal vitamins at the same time. Now if I could only remember to take my B at breakfast and my calcium at lunch, I will be all set.

Maybe my mom should come and sit on me.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Mommy Time

Yesterday I wasn't feeling well. I did manage to do the dishes and a load of laundry, but only because I knew that if I didn't do them, my husband would have to. And being that he works on Saturday, I didn't think it would be nice for him to come home and have to do chores.

However, my little boy was feeling great. He wanted to play. With me. I wanted to sit and read. But I am reminded of how fast he grows up, and what I am called to do as a mom. I knew that he was bored. I knew that he wanted me to get down on the floor and pay attention to him. But I wasn't feeling well, and it seemed that I just couldn't put my book down, so I'd tell him to go play with his cars, again.

So, after he had climbed on my lap for the 3rd time, I finally put down my book and I played with him. We drove cars around the blocks scattered on the floor. We built bridges to crumble. We giggled. We threw the balls. We danced to the music. And we had a great time.

After a while, he was involved in playing with the toys by himself, so I went back to reading. This time it was okay, because he had his Mommy Time, and now wanted to play by himself. Every once in a while, if I will just stop what I am doing (because it really isn't that important in the long run), and give my son the attention he wants, he will be happy, he will know he is loved and be fulfilled.

It is sort of that way with God, too. If I stop and spend time with Him, EVERY DAY, I am the one who will be fulfilled and not be longing for something more.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Overwhelming Mother Love

I'm sitting here trying to breast feed my 9 week old daughter as my 2 1/2 year old son climbs on my legs. He leans forward and does his 2-year-old jabbering/talking thing in my daughters face, and she doesn't like it. Neither do I. I'm having a hard enough time nursing her without my son making things worse.

Everyone says that when your newborn baby is put into your arms, you'll fall in love more than you ever though possible. That didn't happen with me. It was probably during his third month that I really started bonding with my son. He had been fussy and had a difficult time learning how to latch on to nurse.

It seems to be a repeat with my daughter. Of course, we're a little behind in our "bonding time" to begin with. You see, she was born eight weeks early and was in the NICU for three weeks, during which I saw her once a day for her 9:00 p.m. feeding. I felt very detached from her in her isolette - but the story of her birth is another story entirely (see the tab at top of blog).

I know that I love my daughter, but right now, I don't feel much attachment to her. She annoys me. She is very impatient; sound asleep one minute and the next demanding to be fed. She works herself up into such a frenzy that she can't eat. I've practically given up breast feeding. I nurse her, and then I supplement her with formula, and then I have to pump, a process that takes about 90 minutes. I don't have the time or energy to feel love for her while I take care of her.

So, where is that overwhelming love that everyone says I would get when she was born? I hold her because she needs to be held, not because I need to hold her. My love for her is all wrapped up in meeting her needs, not in cuddles and kisses, like I give to my son. I love her unconditionally - I would die for my daughter, but I just don't feel that overwhelming mother love.


Two days old.
It will come, I know it will. Some early morning, while I'm wiping sleep from my eyes, I will look at her and she will make eye contact with me (after she has been fed), and I will finally feel that overwhelming love.