Feeling Alone?

Recently a friend wrote to me after reading my post about not fitting in. I have her permission to share our correspondence with you. I am pretty sure you'll be able to relate to her in some way. Hopefully you will be encouraged by our correspondence. 

Dear Vinae,

Why is it so hard to fit in with other Christians? Why is it so hard to make relationships? I feel like making friends is almost impossible in your 30’s. I’m tired, they're tired, everyone is busy and tired. I’m not too tired to spend one hour scrolling mindlessly through Facebook, looking at everyone’s Photoshop pictures, but I’m too tired to invite a neighbor over for cheap hot dogs and fellowship. 

I join groups and meet new people, we add each other on Facebook, but that is the extent of the relationship. We meet, we have a lot in common, and then we get busy with life and it’s the end. Well, we are still looking at each other’s Facebook page, commenting on photos or snap chatting, but really we are not engaged. 

I just wrote off a longtime friend of over 10 years. She lives a few hours away from me. I have traveled hours to her house to support her in fundraisers, graduations, and many other occasions. It was inconvenient, but I do these things for her all the time. Last week she told me multiple times that she was coming to my child's birthday party. We made it through the party and I realized she didn’t even show up. I was angry. I think the real issue was that quite a few people cancelled, many the day of, and several didn’t even tell me they weren't going to make it, and she was one of those along with some family members. 

How do we recover from hurt feelings when we have made an effort in someone’s life and it is not reciprocated? How do we keep from shutting down and becoming isolated? I know God is the answer, but isn’t there anyone out there that we can rely on? It’s an imperfect world yes, but should it really be this bad? I have family and a “best friend” who told me they would be at my kid’s special celebration and they can’t even tell me they are not going to make it. I would tell a stranger I wasn’t coming if I had made a prior commitment, let alone someone in my family or best friend. Has responsibility just been thrown out the window? 

How do we keep these doubts and let downs from seeping in and separating us from God? (I guess I’m still equating God’s love to affection and love from others.) But, isn’t it reasonable to expect these things if we are following God and trying to live Godly lives? Should we live isolated lives or are we meant for fellowship? This is question I struggle with. Wouldn’t it be nice to just have Christian friends in our age group that will just get together and pledge to love one another no matter what? Do life together, call, not text, but call just to say, Hey how is your day going? Friends that care about kid’s birthdays and life events? 

Hi Friend,

You know, you are not at all alone in what you are saying. I’ve had the same thoughts – why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? Why are relationships fed only through social media until they all they consist of is how many “likes” you give the other person? When did it become so easy to feel isolated in a world that is full of texts and chats and messages?

You hit on a key point – it’s easier to spend hours mindlessly scrolling online than it is to be intentional about meeting with a  friend for an hour. It’s all about where we are investing our lives. Are you purposing to do things that fill you and revive you, or just self-medicating by vegging and coming away from it just as empty as you went in? This is a question I have to ask myself many times every day. Is what I am doing going to renew me?  If not, I should probably stop.

Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram are fun ways of keeping in contact with someone, but unless thought and intention is put into the connections, they become just another virtual friend. What we’ve lost in our world is REAL communication – face to face interaction that breathes life into the other person.

It is so easy to write off people when they constantly hurt you. I have a few friends who I have reached out to over the years but never get anything back from them, so, while I haven’t exactly written them off, I HAVE backed off. I only send a message every once in a while, and don’t wait with baited breath until they respond. While it hurts that they don’t respond, I’ve learned that I can’t depend on their response to make me feel good. I had a good friend send me a scathing message about how I never reach out to her, even though I have usually been the one who tries to keep in contact. The words hurt. But I also know that Satan can use the hurts that I have to make me bitter and wallow in them. My identity is not in how my friend thinks of me or my relationship with her. My identity is tied to my relationship with God. When I am trying to be a friend with God, making him a priority in my life, the brush offs from others don’t hurt quite as much. Oh, to be sure, it still hurts, just not quite as much as it did when I made them the source of my feeling good about myself.

I know you were hurt by your friend, but you even admitted that she wasn’t the only problem. She was kind of the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s hard not to become cynical when people hurt you, and even more when it comes to your kids. I know. I have felt that my kids have been completely ignored by some of their relatives. It breaks my heart for my kids that they are missing out on that family connection. Actually, that is a wrong statement. My kids are not hurt by not getting a card from their cousins, I am hurt by that. My kids don’t know any different. But because I make a concerted effort to remember relatives' birthdays, I am hurt when the effort is not reciprocated. I am the one who feels forgotten and neglected.

As you know, we have moved around a bit in the last few years. When we moved to Portland, it took a really long time for me to make friends, and just as I felt I was making true friendships, we moved to California. I was extremely depressed because I knew how much investment it takes to make deep friendships, so I prayed. God brought into my life two ladies who I keep in close contact with, yes, through Facebook, but also through notes in the mail and messaging. Whenever I get a chance to see them, I make the effort to. 

So when we moved here, I really prayed, and asked my friends to pray, for God to bring into my life women who I could make a real connection with. It’s been three years, but I feel those connections are finally being made. It takes time, it takes effort. And if someone isn’t willing to invest the effort back, I have to give that up and look elsewhere. It really is up to ME to be willing to be vulnerable enough to let someone into my life to develop that deep, meaningful relationship that I long for in another woman. It's scary to open up and be vulnerable enough to risk being rejected. And it’s hard and time consuming and takes a lot of emotional energy; I want to protect myself and so having shallow conversations is easier. But it is worth it…IF I invest. And it really is an investment. 

The same goes with God. I didn’t realize until recently that I haven’t really made any kind of time it requires to make that relationship happen. It requires sacrifice – a sacrifice of time, a sacrifice of sleep, a sacrifice of me wanting to just veg, a sacrifice of my pride and a sacrifice of my desire to fill the longings of my flesh.

You asked how do we keep the doubts and let downs from separating us from God? I think a more accurate question is: How do we disassociate those doubts and let downs from God’s character?  The answer is by making God your friend. Spending un-hurried time with him, reading the Bible, and praying. I know. It sounds so cliché. I’ve heard that all my life - yet I never took it to heart and actually did those things until recently. Do I spend quality time with God every day? No, but I do try to make an effort. I’ve asked him to give me promptings to seek him. When I am in my bathroom, I often feel a tug to go into my closet and pray. It is often only for a few minutes, and often I am not actually praying, but just silent before Him. I’ve started trying to recite Psalms of praise in my prayers, but often I just end up repeating the same thing over and over.

If we are following God and trying our best to live a Godly life, isn’t it reasonable we should expect kindness and courtesy from others? I paraphrased your question, but I’m not sure that the answer is yes. Humans are sinful. They are always going to let you down. Always. I’ve come to the conclusion that while I am here on earth, I will always have a longing in my heart for something more. And I think that God put that longing in us so that we would long to be with him, to get to know him more. As I have been spending more quality time with God, spending more time in the Word and praying, a little bit of that longing has been filled. Not all... I don’t expect that it will ever be gone until I reach heaven. But that is where my hope comes from. I know that I am never going to belong or fit in while I am alive. There will always be that longing for more, and the tension that comes with that is a good tension. It reminds me daily to be in connection with the only one who will eventually be able to fill that longing.

Purposeful Mornings

I am NOT a morning person, I am most certainly a night owl. I get motivated to do things around 10 pm, just in time for bed. This wasn’t a problem when I was single. Now that I’m married and my husband likes it when we go to bed at the same time, and I have three kids who have their own ideas about mornings, I really can’t stay up late anymore.



I used to wake up whenever the kids did. When they were pre-schoolers, they thought that 6:00 am was a great time to start the day. I did not. When my oldest started waking up at 5:00 am, I said, No Way, and taught him how to play quietly until six. When we moved to Kentucky, for some reason, all three kids started sleeping until 7:00 am or later! It was a miracle! I could finally sleep in every morning and get my full 8-9 hours of sleep. Let me tell you, I took advantage of that.

I have always heard: wake up before your kids and read your Bible to start your day off right. I made every single excuse I could think of as to why that was wrong: my kid isn't sleeping through the night, I need a full 8-9 hours of sleep, I can't concentrate when the kids are in the room with me, I need to have quiet time, I can't concentrate early in the morning. I am sure there are more excuses, but the thing is, they were just excuses.

About a year ago, someone told me about spending purposeful time with God every day. That made a huge difference in how I perceived what my "quiet time" with God was supposed to look like. She said that it didn't matter if my kids were up, or if they were interrupting me, or if it was noisy. It didn't have to be perfect; I had to let go of the ideal that my quiet time would be, well, quiet. I also had to let go of whatever romantic image I had in my head of what a quiet time might look like. What mattered is that I purposed to spend TIME with God. I could let the kids participate, or I could let them play quietly around me, or I could let them know that I needed time with God and they would have to wait for a little bit on whatever it was they wanted me to do. So, I started doing that instead of waking up early. It sounded like a great compromise. The problem was, I wasn't very consistent because I would get distracted so easily.

When I started exercising again, my coach urged me to try to wake up before my kids. She gets up at 5:00 every day. I thought that was ridiculous. So I started getting up at 6:40, ten minutes after my husband, to give him time in the bathroom before I went in. Well, that gave me enough time to get dressed before my kids woke up, but that was about it. The problem was, I’d just go downstairs and get a coffee and the kids would be down.

My coach again urged me to wake up earlier for the rest of the three week challenge I was participating in. I figured, it’s only two more weeks, surely I can handle 6:00 am for two weeks. I set my alarm so it was silent, and my watch would vibrate to wake me up. That first day? It was harsh, I’m telling you. I did NOT want to do it, but I knew she'd ask if I got up early, so I did it. That accountability started a new phase in my life. I was absolutely positive, without a shadow of a doubt, that I could never change from a night owl to an early bird. Now, I have been waking up at 6:00 am for about three months...and I love it. Say WHAT??? Yeah. This gal never though she would say that.

Here's what I get when I wake up an hour before my kids: I get some quiet time in the morning to collect my thought, I get a HOT cup of coffee, I get in purposeful time with God that is uninterrupted, I get in some work in before my kids need my attention, and I get my workout in. The best part of all is that I get a morning where I don't feel rushed and already behind.

Are your mornings rushed and frantic? Or do you have a purposeful start to your morning that sets the tone for the rest of the day?

Are you an early bird or a night owl? Have you always been that way or did you have to train yourself?

If you are a night owl, like I was, do you wish you could be an early bird? Do you think it's hopeless? I am here to tell you that you CAN change - IF you commit. It takes discipline and dedication. It helps if you have someone to hold you accountable, like I did. What do you have to lose?

Continue On

Photo by Pawel Pentlinowski

Continue On

by Roy Lessin

A woman fretted over the usefulness of her life.

She feared she was wasting her potential being a devoted wife and mother.

She wondered if the time and energy she invested in her husband and children would make a difference.

At times she got discouraged because so much of what she did seemed to go unnoticed and unappreciated.

"Is it worth it?" she often wondered.  "Is there something better that I could be doing with my time?"

It was during one of these moments of questioning that she heard the still, small voice of her Heavenly Father speak to her heart.

"You are a wife and mother because that is what I have called you to be.

Much of what you do is hidden from the public eye, but I notice.

Most of what you give is done without remuneration.

But I am your reward.

Your husband cannot be the man I have called him to be without your support.

Your influence upon him is greater than you think and more powerful than you will ever know.

I bless him through your service and honor him through your love.

Your children are precious to me.

Even more precious than they are to you.

I have entrusted them to your care to raise for Me.

What you invest in them is an offering to Me.

You may never be in the public spotlight, but your obedience shines as a bright light before Me.

Continue on.  Remember you are My servant.

Do all to please Me."

When Words Hurt

I recently had some remarks thrown at me that hurt. They maligned my integrity. The words were not true, and I knew that in my heart, but it hurt, nonetheless. My heart rate went up and my adrenaline was pumping the rest of the day.

Photo by Magdalena Roeseler

The words will probably never be forgotten. I can physically erase them from my computer, but I will never be able to erase them from my mind.

I was so distraught at first, all I could do was hide in my closet on my knees. I don't think I really even prayed. I just sat stunned. How could someone say something so hateful?

Then I felt I needed to cleanse my house of the words. They were not said aloud, but their presence was felt. So I set some lavender diffusing and scrubbed my tile floors while blasting Maranatha Singers worship albums. Those songs always draw my soul into peace, probably because they are mostly straight out of scripture.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?  Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.  Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;

we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Romans 8:31-39

When words hurt, remember: God is on your side. Whether the words were true or not, God's opinion is the one that counts.  People will disappoint. Your best friend will fail you. Your relative will hurt your feelings. You are a daughter of the King. God is always by your side, and nothing the enemy throws at you can keep you from the Father's love.

Don't Just Survive...THRIVE

Yesterday, my church held an event for the women of our community called Together With Hope. I gave this devotional at the start and I hope it gives you encouragement.

Don't Survive - THRIVE

Our theme verse for today is Jeremiah 29:11 – (NKJV) "'For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,' says the Lord, 'thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.'" I think we’ve all heard this verse many times as an encouragement when we are going through a hard time. And we all go through hard times, right?

But I wonder how many of us know the context and history of the verse? I was sort of familiar with it, but I wanted to know what God’s heart behind saying this really was, so I started reading Jeremiah. Here is what I have learned.

The people of Israel were in rebellion against God. God pleaded with them over and over to repent and turn back to him. Many prophets were sent to Israel telling them to turn back to worshiping their one true God. However, when the people continued to refuse, God warned them that they would be exiled to Babylon for 70 years, one year for each of the Sabbath years they had ignored.

Well, the people didn’t like this, and many false prophets arose telling the people that they would not be serving Babylon, that the captives who had already been taken away would return and the temple articles that had been stolen would also be returned.

We hear that a lot, don’t we? I’ve been told many times that God doesn’t want me to go through difficult times. But is that true? Well, in chapter 28 of Jeremiah, God said straight up that this was a lie, that they were not going to have peace and prosperity, but captivity – and then Jeremiah uses my favorite means of telling an obvious truth: sarcasm. “Of course! You are so right! That is exactly what is going to happen! God isn’t going to let you go through a hard time. What could you possibly learn from that?” And then Jeremiah tells this particular false prophet that because he’s telling lies, he’s going to die. And so he did.

Then Jeremiah writes a letter to the people who were carried away into exile in Babylon. He tells them to build houses, plant gardens, marry, have children and grow in number, and to also – strangely it would seem – to pray for the peace of the city which held them captive; because if their city had peace, they would have peace. (hmmmm. Something to think about.)

God told them not to long for the good ole days, and not to listen to the false prophets saying that the exile wasn’t God’s will. Because God had set a certain amount of time for them to be in exile: 70 years. And when that captivity was over, God would visit them and return them to Jerusalem.

Then comes our verse: (International Standard Version) "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for well-being, and not for calamity, in order to give you a future and a hope.'" But I'll get back to this verse, because what follows is just as beautiful.

God then says, "Call upon me and go and pray to me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find me, when you search for me with all you heart." However, those who rebelled against their captivity would die, or have famine and disease. God wanted them to listen to him and thrive in their captivity rather than fight it and be miserable and die. Next comes this beautiful love letter in chapter 31 where God tells Israel his plans for them and makes a new covenant with them.

Now, back to our verse that was written to the people in captivity under Babylon: (New English Translation) "'For I know what I have planned for you,' says the Lord, 'I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope.'

Filled with hope.

Doesn’t that sound wonderful? I don’t know about you, but I often have the mindset of just getting through the day; just surviving the current difficulty I am facing. But I have to conclude from my study of this scripture that God doesn’t want us to just survive, he wants us to THRIVE in our struggles.

Are there still hard times? Of course. Did God know the people were suffering in Babylon? Yes! BUT…he wanted them to thrive while they were there - to settle down and marry, build a house and plant a garden.

The Israelites were feeling defeated and worn down because they had been carried away from their homes, family and friends. God wanted them to make new homes for themselves. He wanted them to THRIVE in the lonely place they were living.

Why? Because he knew his own thoughts towards them. He wasn’t thinking thoughts of destruction. He wasn’t thinking evil towards them. He wasn’t thinking about how to harm them or the most evil way for them to experience disasters.

What was he thinking? Our verse tells us. He was thinking thoughts of peace. He wanted things to go well with them. He wanted them to prosper. The King James Version says his thoughts were to give them an expected end. An expected END. Hope! He wanted to give them a future filled with hope.

Are you filled with hope for the future? Are you struggling right now? I know sometimes it’s hard to have hope when you are in the middle of the war. I know it’s hard to just survive, let alone thrive through the difficulties of life.

My dear friend, Charise McNutt, is going through a hard season with multiple sclerosis. She recently said something that resonated with me:

"Oh, what a lie we believe when we think suffering and trials are not a part of walking with God." 

There will be an end to your captivity. But God wants you to learn and thrive in the hard times. Your hope is that there will be an end, but your thriving is in the now. Because God has not forgotten you.

But How? How do we thrive? How do we not just trudge through every day surviving by sheer willpower? Because of hope. Hope that God has a better future for us. Now, admittedly, sometimes that future isn’t here on earth. Some of the Jewish captives died in Babylon. But we have to remember, as Christians, we are strangers here on this earth. Our citizenship is in Heaven, and THAT is where our hope lies.

We can endure and THRIVE through anything here on earth because Jesus has overcome the world. He is the anchor of our hope. Without Christ we are hopeless.



If you are in the middle of captivity and feeling hopeless, look to Jesus. Jesus is your hope. Only Jesus can give you hope in the midst of tragedy.

~-~-~-~

Joy and Rhonda, part of the events team.

Our theme verse.

A huge thanks to Furniture World for helping decorate our stage.

Annie Sotski started us off with her testimony.

Emily Norris

Worship between testimonies was led by Chelsea Schmieg and Stephanie Morgan. 

Camille Cooper

Randa Bush

Marilyn Kyle

We were closed out by Sybil Mohr's testimony.